Thursday, August 24, 2006

My man list












Last night the flatmates and I made up lists of guys we like and then after our lists were completed we assigned them either to marraige material or sex only. This is my list in no particular order.
  • Wes Anderson-Marry
  • French Rugby team-Sex
  • Johnny Depp-Marry
  • Brad Pitt-Sex
  • Slug-Sex
  • Daniel Dae Kim-Sex
  • Edward Norton-Sex
  • Jason Schwartzman-Marry
  • Seu Jorge-Marry
  • Aesop Rock-Sex

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

What are you thinking?

"What're you thinking?" he asked me as we walked down the street after the movie.We'd been together 2 months and I knew he'd be wishing for me to say something thoughtful, possibly about him or the state of our relationship. Only I'd been thinking about what I'd name my dog, if I ever had one. What to say? Oh God, he's looking at me this is too much pressure I don't know what to say! With every moment that passed the expectations for the deepest thought possible became greater.

Has this happened to you? If so you'll know the anguish of being caught out by your partner and you'll be thinking to yourself, "There must be another way! Some list of answers to have for just this moment."

What Are You Thinking?

  • Wooden...
  • I was just thinking about what color our childrens eyes might be, if we had them.
  • The stars are beautiful tonight, aren't they?
  • Your hair looks strange in this lighting.
  • You're more attractive than (famous attractive person)
  • I think I have an STD.
  • I was wondering why I told you that (odd thing they do) is normal.
  • I can't decide if my favorite bread is multigrain or wheat.
  • I...I think I could be gay. Is it gay or lesbian?
  • I knitted you this hat!
  • Fuck, I just love basketball!
  • Is it normal to enjoy farting this much. Oh, I mean "Passin gas" heh.
  • I once made beer from the yeast of a woman.
  • I think thongs and lowrise jeans have given us the new cleavage.
  • The Hulk is my all time favorite movie.
  • I'd love to meet Indiana Jones.
  • I was just thinking of this great part in Baby Sitters Club the movie.
  • Whaddya say we get wasted and do it for the first time?
  • I was just wondering what was air was made of.
  • My cat's name is Mittens.
  • I love you???
  • Tom Cruise is the ultimate role model.
  • You look just like my mother.
  • I wish I were Japanese. Everyone loves them.
  • Do you actually believe the Holocaust really happened?
  • I have to pee so badly.
  • Nothing, Jesus get off my back!
  • Have you put on weight?
  • I think I've just started my period. No sex tonight, haha!

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Flight of the Conchords

These guys are a very clever, hilarious singing comedy duo from New Zealand. They are not, in fact as popular in NZ as they are in the states and Britan. This is a clip from a great show they did for HBO called One Night Stand. Check it out bro!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Oh, baby

My friend Natalie is pregnant. She's my age but already has experienced pregnancy twice before; Once when she was sixteen and again at 21. The first time she had an abortion, the second time she was due to miscarry so she had another abortion. This time she couldn't go through that again, this time she's decided to do everything she can to prevent a miscarraige and she is not considering abortion.

The father is a 34 year old man we'll call Mister. Mister freaked out utterly when she told him she was pregnant. No, that's not true actually. When she first told him they talked about it and he told her it was her choice, he'd support her no matter what. It was when she told him her choice was to keep it that he freaked out and refused to see her or talk to her about it. They have mutual friends and there have been times when she comes to visit that she can see him run out the back door, hiding till he can escape.

Recently she made her first doctors appointment and decided to tell him in the off chance he'd be interested. She wrote him an email:

Dear Mister,
Just wanted to let you know I've made a doctors appointment for next Wednesday in case you feel like coming, I'll be getting the first sonogram.

Natalie

The next day he wrote back:
Do not contact me. If you have to then you can do it through my lawyer.

He included the name of the lawyer as well as the phone number, she called it.

"I do not respresent this person" the lawyer told her.

Natalie emailed Mister:
The lawyer says he doesn't know you or represent you.

Mister wrote back:
Ok, don't contact me or my lawyer, I'll contact you when I want.


Now, I realise that suddenly being made a father can be a real headspin, but what has this guy not done in his life that at 34 he can't handle this kind of situation more maturely? He feels he's been left out of the final choice but as my friend Amy says "He made his choice when he decided it'd be ok to have sex without a condom, after she warned him that she was a really fertile person."

if you can't be a good example, you have an obligation to be a horrible warning

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Your momma does not live here and if she did she'd tell you the same

"Hey, don't do the dishes, alright? I'll do them when I get back tonight" I said
"Oh, it's so nice to have another girl here" my new flatmate sighed "The guys never clean anything, you know how they can be."
"Dan never washes the dishes?" I asked
She laughed "No, he's always busy with school and Mada is, well...he's Mada and with Yaz gone it's just been me cleaning up."
She went to her room leaving me alone as I pondered womens lib and the progressive movement.

I made up a conversation between me and a male who made women do all the house work. It went like this:

"You don't do dishes?"
"No, it's pretty sweet huh? I don't have to do any house stuff, the girls do it all!"
"I am a girl"
"You better get crackin' then, I see a pile of dishes with your name on it."
"Hahahahaha! No way."
"Why not?"
"Cause I'm not your (pardon the obvious) maid. You have the same capabilities I have. I can't believe we're even having this conversation."
"You are ruining my life."

End.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Casey

Casey was the girl that girl that was never understood
You could see her every day in bright tights and yellow hood
She never spoke really but her smile was constant
She'd walk the streets from sun up to sun down reciting sonnets
Picking flowers for the children who all thought that she was crazy
Casey never stopped her mission of spreading poetry and daisies

She wasn't old or young but just one of a kind
I never saw another like her she simply was a divine
A bright light on a grey street, red tights on her light feet
She'd dissapear nightly to show up early and brightly
I don't know where she went though, to people who cared
Or sleeping in ditches or under the stairs, couldn't ask her though
Her senses weren't there, her mind was wandering, unaware

I left that street and never thought about coming back
Casey could still be there
Walking back and forth wearing a path
With her red tights and yellow hair

Monday, August 07, 2006

From The Office

What is Gareth thinking about?

Public Restroom Guide

When using a public restroom you must always:

-Check for toilet paper
-Check for droplets on the seat
-Check that there is a lock on the door

Also, it's a good idea not to use the middle stall if you have bad feelings about germs. The middle stall is likely to be the most used while the first stall is the least used.

-Hints From Madge

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

The KKK game

This evening I was having dinner with my mother, Rie, and godmother, Elsie when I heard an interesting story from Elsie.
Elsie is a very sweet, funny woman nearing her 70's. She stays active and works at a bank a few days a week to stave off boredom. A few weeks ago, she tells us, they were all sitting around at lunch, talking about ear piercings. You know, how old they were when they first had their ears pierced, their first set of earrings, crazy peircings that people have...when Elsie piped up to tell the story of her first earrings and how they'd been lost.

She was very young, probably about 5 or 6 when she'd gotten her ear's peirced and in that same year while playing a game of Klu Klux Klan they'd been ripped out by accident.
The room went quiet. Everyone looked at the lone black man standing in the room.

"Thank God he had a sense of humor!" Exclaimed Elsie "I mean, I didn't realize what I was saying! When we played that game we were very young and didn't know what it meant. All we knew was that you wore a pillowcase on your head and pretended to kidnapp each other."

"Like Cowboys and Indians." I offered

"Exactly."

Her co-workers sat stunned, staring first at the man then at Elsie
(
"You know the ones most shocked were the ones feeling most guilty. I hadn't realized what I'd done, I was just telling a story"she frowned.)

He laughed "What exactly were the rules of this game?"

The room relaxed and Elsie explained that she didn't remember much, just that someone with a pillowcase on thier heads came to take you away, and they put a pillowcase on your head as well, which is when her earrings were caught and ripped out. No one was hurt.

A few weeks later the man left, he was only temping. On his way out he said goodbye to Elsie

"Hope I didn't scare you too much." He teased
"Ohhh now you know I liked you all along!" She laughed.

Come live with me in NZ

Think about moving to NZ
we could start a commune
there's plenty of land there
and we know nothing about farming