"You've been given a great gift George, the chance to see what life would be like if you'd never been born"
-Clarence the second class angel

Maybe he's right, most people probably would want to know. I'd like to see that, though I think probably my impact as it is wouldn't be so huge.

New Years

Been thinking about New Years Eve plans. We'll probably be having a party at my house this year. It just works better to be at home, getting drunk with your nearest and dearest rather than trying to find the best parties all over town or have to pay for an event and fight for booze and elbow room.
Thinking about that though, made me think about New Years Eve past, particularly when I was a little 'un, and what it meant then. Most of the time it was kind of boring, involved a babysitter and watching the ball drop on T.V., sometimes a friend was there.
It makes me wonder what other kids were doing for new years. Did they have slumber parties or family traditions? What did you do?

Few people became our role models because that was their intention. Most became role models because it was their intention to be themselves.-dad

Bitch is the new Black

"This is what bothers me the most, people say that Hillary is a bitch. Well let me say something about that. Yeah! She is. And so am I. And so is this one (points to Amy Poehler, who nods) Bitches get stuff done. That's why Catholic Schools use nuns instead of priests... At the end of the year you hated those bitches, but you knew the capital of Vermont."
-Tina Fey

Past Consideration

Love is more than one word. It’s been said before but still, societal norm is to place importance on romantic love and familial love alone. But there are many way of familial love and many ways of romantic love, like the difference between powdered snow and hard snow.

Romantic love, that feeling in your gut, that punch in your heart. Familial love, that warm feeling in your belly, that expansive uplifting love that can be shared with friendship love, those people who become your family, who shape you and you shape them. And on and on…

What it is that I desire is a bit of each, without too much struggle, please. A relationship needs work, it’s not work itself. A partnership is fun, it’s fulfilling, it contains the practical, it’s progressing and beautiful and you want to help and support each other. And if I can’t have that I’d rather be alone. But I think I can have that. I think I do now…I think I have before, but the timing wasn’t there.

Urgh. I don’t trust my own feelings anymore, I don’t feel sure of my next action. I’ve spent too much time thinking about the past, the future, what other people think and less time paying attention to how I feel now. And I want to shake that, and I think I will. I’m so close to clarity. With every new boy I kiss, every date I go one with a sexy/sweet/interesting man the more sure I am about progressing the other way. I think about how I should be working on my career, spending time with my loved friends, on my hobbies and in my bike community. About how I have someone in front of me that I resist missing when he’s not around, resist admitting that I might love, resist spending too much time with or getting too close or talking to friends about. Because it means something, I guess. But I could stop thinking so much about what my friends will say, about what I’ve said, about what he’s done in the past and see what is here, now and relax with the flow. Let myself be happy in this way again. But slowly. Very, very slowly.

Na na na

A diva is a female version of a hustla

Alone Times

Being alone after
Not being alone
for so long is freeing
and also lonely when at last
you are tired of yourself

100 cigarettes

I've dated enough narcissistically neurotic men to know that you are all just a pack of roving babies in search of a giant teat from which to suck the lifeblood out of me until I am a hollow shell.

New Ideas

“well what do you want me to do? I never said I wouldn’t try a new idea”
“yes you did! You said “I don’t want to try new things, I don’t like this”
“well I just meant then, not now!”
“So…then you do want to go down on me?”
“uh, yea…yeah”
“look, even if you tried it I wouldn’t enjoy it because I know you don’t enjoy it”
He puffed, exasperated “I just have never done it before! I just don’t like it yet!”
“Oh never mind!”
She left the room. He sat back, unhappy but slightly relieved.
She came back for an abrupt moment.
“…but don’t think I’m going down on you. Fair is fair.

senses of urgency

Kissing the lip of a beer mug
filled with coffee, honey and cream
sitting here on this nice couch
thinking about what it is to think
no despair here people are happy
productively talking on a rainy day
Rock n Roll plays behind
the baristas counter
Do I miss this environment
for the one I work in now?
The Dallas people, big hair big heels
big hard tits on living girls
soft nakedness in portraits behind them
It's fun in a different way, outsider-ish perspective
and co-workers tits are as real as their personalities
Two kids dressed well, with style
sit giggling in front of me
boyfriends and girlfriends now and
plans for new ones in the future
Someone asks hopefully
and what are your plans?
Well in this moment I know that coffee
is a diuretic and I got the large mug.

Being yourself

I've been doing a lot of wandering around, feeling pensive and restless...soul searching I think it might be called.

After this last, difficult, break up I finally, truly understood things about myself that I'd easily ignored in the past.
A while ago someone(probably my dad) said that for a relationship to work you need to be able to make compromises.
I battled with myself for a long time, making compromises because they were good for "us", because a healthy relationship is key. Because being in a relationship means moving forward, being a part of something, having a teammate. You support each other, you have a date to a show or a real excuse for some dude who wants to get on you. You stay home and talk about your future kids names and complicitly* eat junk food together. It's really really nice.

But I don't want it. I just realized, I don't wanna do those things. I'm an adventurer with a penchant for laziness, for immediate happiness and I've been letting the latter take over when it comes to companionship. I want a relationship, I want commitment, I want love. But stronger than those feelings sits a desire for ultimate freedom, to make my own decisions, to take whims seriously.
And now that I'm not that irrationally shy teenager with a million quirks...I can. I worked hard to not be scared of the world, to take the desires that so burned in my heart and make them happen and I'm not ready to stop and commit to any one person, any one place or any one way of being.

Realizing this was great. I made a bet with my brother that I would stay out of a committed relationship for a year, when I one day have money I'll go to shows alone and if some bean bag comes over looking terribly uninteresting my excuse can be that I don't want to. Taking charge of ones life! It's going to be really awesome eventually. In the meantime there are some bumps... it's a learning process. I've come up with a few guidelines for myself while I get my bearings:

• Don't drink alone, especially at home. Bored and everyone you know has school or work in the morning? Read your damn book. watch a movie. Go to sleep. Do not
• get drunk and leave 50thousand FB comments at 2 AM. I know good ideas come at that time but write them down and find out how good they are in the morning.
• Keep your vocal desires for sex to yourself, or vent at ladies night. Really!
  
• Use this time to be more productive. Cut more hair, finish sewing clothes, do a fundraiser that actually happens.
  
• Bike more. Bike when your restless. Bike when you're bored. Bike always.

That's it for now. Wish me luck!




*I know its not a word, but it could be if we acted like it was.

time to get real

Theory:

Women with more confidence in their bodies are more likely to date a man who is shorter than 5'8.

Men with more confidence in their height will still date 18 year olds.

Bad Breath Kisses

Bad breath kisses

Are often dismissed

First thing in the morning

A sorry to do

When all that is meant

Is dear “I love you

Even when you’re puffy

And crusty from passing out

After a long night of pool

And beers”

In Public

When people talk
and you want to know
just who are they
to say those things
so loudly, what in them
is so bold?
six beers each, at noon I think.

Maya Angelou

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

enough

money within her control to move out

and rent a place of her own,

even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

something

perfect to wear if the employer,

or date of her dreams

wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD

HAVE .

a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

a past juicy

enough that she's looking forward to

retelling it in her

old age....

WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .

one friend who

always makes her laugh.. and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a good piece

of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her

family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

eight

matching plates, wine glasses with stems,

and a recipe for

a meal,

that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .

a feeling of

control over her destiny..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD

KNOW...

how to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to quit

a job,

break up with a lover,

and confront a friend

without;

ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN

SHOULD KNOW...

when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK

AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that she can't change the length of her calves,

the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that her

childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she

would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....

how to live

alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY

WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. .

whom she can trust,

whom she can't,

and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

where to

go...

be it to her best friend's kitchen table..

or a

charming Inn in the woods....

when her soul needs

soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..

What she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

Nothing can be sweeter on your thighs than the balmy night air, that's why riding a bicycle in your underwear is such a great idea.

changes

When you finally unlock one of life's mysteries after going your whole life trying to figure it out, you think when you wake up the next morning everything will be different. Surely everyone will see what is different in you, in the world as a whole.
You've figured it out! You have the answer!

What actually happens can only be a something of a let down. After such a high you realize they'll only know when they experience it themselves, if they do. And they don't know how much you know what you know. At least not for a while, till your rich or really obviously happier than everyone or something.

So just settle in, just write down what you've done and look at that every few weeks to remember. The human mind has a way of forgetting.

Mustachio Madness

Last Friday I went the the Monotonixs show and got clocked in the face and the singer fell on me several times and many people poured beer all over each others hair and faces and necks and we sweatsweatsweat and screamed, sang and laughed and the band and the crowd were in a frenzy from the first beat of the drum.

When you look at their myspace you'll first notice that the music is fun, it's upbeat anarchist smash rock that you can enjoy in the comfort of your own home. But why the hell would you listen to it at home when there's a concert just down the street.

Look at the pictures. Hairy, skinny mostly naked Israeli men with long full-bodied hair. One is hanging from the rafters with a microphone at his bare ass. The crowd below is screaming with smiling faces.

One is a drummer sitting on his drum kit and playing while crowd surfing. Later the drum kit is set on fire, while still being played. 

Look at the videos, Austin October 2008 at The Mohawk. I see my friend Devon in the front, punching the drums. I see the band carrying the whole thing out to the street and still sounding awesome as hell! At the last show I managed to catch sight of Devon climbing a tree with the singer and them holding each other, thrashing around wilding and singing. That was before the fist came and caught me in the nose, knocking off my glasses. It was after my room mate mistakenly slapped his friend in the frenzy after getting kicked in the back by someone else. All in joy, in crazy fun for the sake of being alive.

That's a Monotonixs show.

They'll be in Austin for SXSW, I can't recommend it enough.

Me: Walking down the street

Guy in Truck: Grinning, no sign of front teeth. "Damn girl why don't you hop in here with me?"

Me: Scowling. "Piss off."

Guy in Truck: Laughs, drives on.

What should have happened

Me: Walking down the street

Guy in Truck: Grinning, no sign of front teeth. "Damn girl why don't you hop in here with me?"

Me: Picks up rock, throws it. "How you like a rock in your window, ass?" 

Guy in Truck:  Visibly upset about the rock through his window

Indian Summer

Indian Summer - Dorothy Parker
==================
In youth, it was a way I had
To do my best to please,
And change, with every passing lad,
To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know,
And do the things I do;
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you!

Tuberculosis

What oh, what have I been up to lately? Aside from barely working, changing bike tubes and reading internet comics I have also been taking a drawing class once a week.
During my last class the project was self portraiture. The lighting wasn't great and I looked and felt tired. But a project is and so I did it.

The result is a fairly exact replica. I had noticed that I'd drawn myself kind of intensely but it's hard to draw a facial expression from a mirror so when I showed my friend and she began laughing I was confused. Apparently it's the look I give when I want a person or peoples to leave now. It was the look I had at 4AM after our 300+ Michael Jackson party and the only people left were strangers...it was the look I had when I'd been spending an entire weekend with a friend and had run out of things to do that took two people and it's the look you'll get if you interrupt me while I'm reading The Watchmen.


----------------------

"and I listened to that song so many times before I realized...he's not singing about a girl, he's singing about Tuberculosis"

My good friend Lydia sent me a link to this gallery of art pieces made with unusual materials as featured by Telegraph.co.uk

Pretty cool stuff

you get noogied

If you're out and about with someone and they call something which is considered bad "gay" is it appropriate to tell them you'll "noogie them till their brains bleed" if they say it again? Is that an overreaction? I feel like it isn't. Not totally...

The Inauguration of President Barack Obama

These are 48 photos of Inauguration Day as seen around the world. Pretty amazing stuff.

Låt den rätte komma in

After watching "Let the Right One In" on Friday I found myself feeling rather tense this early morning as I cycled in the dark to work. I couldn't stop worrying there might be something hungry in the trees, readying to drop on me.

Nod to Lan for this interesting story:

EASTON, Pa. – A supermarket is defending itself for refusing to a write out 3-year-old Adolf Hitler Campbell's name on his birthday cake. Deborah Campbell, 25, of nearby Hunterdon County, N.J., said she phoned in her order last week to the Greenwich ShopRite. When she told the bakery department she wanted her son's name spelled out, she was told to talk to a supervisor, who denied the request.

Karen Meleta, a ShopRite spokeswoman, said the store denied similar requests from the Campbells the last two years, including a request for a swastika.

"We reserve the right not to print anything on the cake that we deem to be inappropriate," Meleta said. "We considered this inappropriate."

The Campbells ultimately got their cake decorated at a Wal-Mart in Pennsylvania, Deborah Campbell said Tuesday.

A Wal-Mart spokesman told The Associated Press on Wednesday that in light of the incident, the company would review its guidelines regarding cake decorations and other requests.

"It's clear that in serving this customer, some people were offended," spokesman Greg Rossiter said. "As a result, we're going to review our policies."

Heath Campbell said he named his son after Adolf Hitler because he liked the name and because "no one else in the world would have that name."

The Campbells' two other children are named JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, who turns 2 in a few months, and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell, who will be 1 in April.

Campbell said he was raised not to avoid people of other races but not to mix with them socially or romantically. But he said he would try to raise his children differently.

"Say he grows up and hangs out with black people. That's fine, I don't really care," he said. "That's his choice."

He said about 12 people attended the birthday party Sunday, including several children of mixed race.