Thursday, May 12, 2011

baby don't hurt me

Relationships. Nearly everyone is in one or wants to be in one and everyone goes about that so differently. It rests in the intention I guess. I have always gone into them quickly but with full force, giving a lot, wanting to give a lot, wanting...that intangible thing that I see my parents have. I tried to shape these relationships into "the one" without realizing it.
I'm more romantic than I thought.
Frustrated, I wondered if I even knew what that kind love was, if I could even recognize it, if it were even real or just something people fooled themselves into. Do I get a soulmate, if there is such a thing? Trying and trying to figure it out, breaking hearts, breaking my own heart along the way...what is love???
Eventually hitting the equivalent of rock bottom, feeling awkward and wooden around people, going completely crazy, letting my mind go into a rocketship roller coaster and generally spend the first part of my trip in Europe not knowing if I were sitting or standing up.
And then, Amsterdam.
Suddenly the skies clear and I find myself in a park, realizing I'm letting go of all these fears, of all these things I think I should be, how I should act, what a relationship is supposed to look like or how a partner is supposed to be or act. It sounds cheesy but I felt myself just filling up with love, my heart was full again.
and its fucking awesome.