The girl behind the counter rang up her customer, looked around the cafe and spotted a couple sitting by the window, menus flat on the table they looked expectantly at her. She smiled and walked over.
"Are you ready to order?" the girl asked
"Yes, I'll have an orange juice thanks" said the man in the couple
"Orange juice" repeated the girl "no problem, and for you" she turned to the woman.
"I'll have English Breakfast" the woman reponded
The girl frowned "I'm sorry, we've actually run out of that tea earlier this morning, can I get you anything else, we have a pretty good selection of other teas."
The woman looked at the girl as if there were a hole in her shirt which bared her chest in a most vulgar manner."Well. Do you have any other regular teas?"
"We have earl grey..."offered the girl. The woman scrunched her nose."...or mint, green, mango, berry, kawa kawa, chamomi..." the woman looked blankly at the girl, who faltered in her recitation and decided to stop talking.
"I said regular teas." insisted the woman.
"Gumboot tea" thought the girl. "I'm sorry, we usually do have it but unfortunately we won't have any till tommorow."
"I'll think about it." Grumped the woman.
The girl turned away with relief and went to get the orange juice.

5 minutes later the woman and man had not yet decided what they wanted to eat and went to look at the deli food sitting on the counter behind which the girl stood, dishing a salad into a bowl for another customer. When she was done the girl turned to them and asked if she could get them anything.
"Any progress on the tea?" the woman asked expectantly.
"Uh. Well we really don't have any right now" said the girl but in her head thought "This woman is obsessed, she must shut up about the tea very soon."
"Well, you don't have any in the back or anything? Perhaps you could run across the street to the dairy and get some for me. It would be nice." The woman raised her eyebrows in a way that said "This is something you should have thought of."
"Who was this woman, was she really saying this?"mused the girl.
"Look, do you ever watch Star Trek? Think of me as a hologram, ok?The problem really is that I can only work within these walls, so within this space I will get you anything you need if we have it and I will smile and mean it while doing that, but I cannot leave the station no matter how urgent your tea situation is. I'll even give you the hot water if you want to bring your own tea bag in but to run tot he dairy and get some shitty tea to give to people would comprimise our quality standards." Thought the girl, but didn't say.

Ignoring the womans suggestion but pretending as if she were addressing it the girl stopped a coworker and said "Hey, we don't have any more english breakfast, do we? Not anywhere in the back or anything?"
"Yeah, no English Breakfast till tommorow I'm afraid." Confirmed her coworker. The girl smiled so that all of her teeth showed "Sorrrreee!" she sang" Let me know if you want anything else!" then she pranced away, laughing to herself. Some people!

HS was like a boring night at work

It was a slow night at work last week, I was behind the bar/kitchen folding serviettes and talking to one of the chefs.
"My God" Complained Mic "I hate it when it's slow like this, there's no point in being here."

"At least your getting paid, and you aren't really having to work for it" I reminded him.

"Yeah but I have other stuff I could be doing, sitting here is a waste of my time."

"Funny, that's how I used to feel about highschool." I told him

The somewhere behind me I heard another waiter snort loudly.

The Poo Blog

I was in the kitchen reading a magazine and drinking a coffee when Dan walked in. “Hey Mads, did you just go to the bathroom?”

I looked up “Yeah, like 10 minutes ago.”

“I knew it was you” he said chuckling.

“What? Why?” I asked, feeling like my bathroom secrets might be about to revealed.

“You have the floaty-est poo I’ve ever seen. I guess it didn’t flush when you went so it was still there when I went. Then I took a crap, put toilet paper on it and flushed and it still didn’t go down. Floaty poo.”

Feeling perplexed I asked him what I could do about it. I’d never had this problem before and hadn’t realized it could even be a problem.

“You’re holding it in too much Mads, you gotta let it loose more often.” He kissed me on the cheek and sat down.

“Let what loose?” I said, laying my head on his shoulder.

“Your farts. You hold them in too much and it riddles your poo with air.” He explained confidently, patting me on the bum

“How do you know this?” I laughed, knocking his hand away.

“It’s just common sense.” He took a sip of coffee into his mouth and winked at me.