Ugh. Hungover at work. Peeling the ride from 35 lemons, squeezing out the juices. Repetitive. My hands hurt. The little cuts from the little knives, my hands are cracked and dry from over-washing. Workers hands. hmph. Thinking and over thinking everything-king.King. Ugh. So repetitive this work, this life. No it isn't. Yes it is. Cyclical, typical, is that what you want to be? Iis that what you want? Melt into boredom and just give up on anything? Is that what you're doing? Boss says that my saying that giving up (temporarily) my education isn't very feminist is a strong statement. I suppose to some the word feminist is a strong statement. These people are nice and sometimes hilarious, but far too straight for my liking. They still think interracial relationships are "wow" worthy. They still mull over the "how" and"why" someone "chooses" to be gay. I keep my mouth closed at these mullings because it seems possible that where I am is not where they are and that maybe where I am is "far out". I am "hung over" good Gooood. Lemons. Lemon cakes need lemon juice needs sugar. Needs...760 grams? I don't want to ask again, she'll know I've forgotten and possibly, therefore, don't care how many grams of sugar this juice needs, even though I've done it every day for 2 weeks. Who cares? Do I really want to be good at baking anyway? Some people aren't good at some things. Then again...if I were crap at something I'd gotten into, like sword fighting, even if I didn't really like it I'd do everything to not be the worst and possibly be the best. And if I were shit I'd crack jokes to distract from my shitty sword work.
People who are into swords are often weird. I don't know anyone that does, anymore. Greg is getting married. He's the first ex of mine to get married, weird. No, that's not true, Jed is getting married and I knew that over a month ago. I guess I'm truly over Jed but not enough over Greg to not be affected by his getting married. It's not like I want to marry him though. I guess I'm less connected with his life. It's more of a suprise. Marriage. How do people decide when it's right? To me traditional marriage feels like a sham. I couldn't do it without feeling like a liar. I'm more freaked out by the idea that I'm of an age where it's normal for people to get married. It's so far and away. I get the idea of a long-term relationship. I don't get the idea of monogamy for years and years. I get trust, I don't get suffocating. Ungh, why so many wines with the girls, the night before work? I can't get out of my head and...eh fuckit.

Mary Oliver

A Visitor by Mary Oliver

My father, for example,
who was young once
and blue-eyed,
returns
on the darkest of nights
to the porch and knocks
wildly at the door,
and if I answer
I must be prepared
for his waxy face,
for his lower lip
swollen with bitterness.
And so, for a long time,
I did not answer,
but slept fitfully
between his hours of rapping.
But finally there came the night
when I rose out of my sheets
and stumbled down the hall.
The door fell open

and I knew I was saved
and could bear him,
pathetic and hollow,
with even the least of his dreams
frozen inside him,
and the meanness gone.
And I greeted him and asked him
into the house,
and lit the lamp,
and looked into his blank eyes
in which at last
I saw what a child must love,
I saw what love might have done
had we loved in time.

In Malcolm Gladwell's book "The Tipping Point" he talks about the roles people play socially. One of these roles is as a connector-someone who introduces people to each other as well as to new situations, new music, new places. They are the information bringers, the social butterflies. They know everyone and your social circle is actually their social circle, you just happen to be in it.
He said one way of figuring out who the connector in your life is, is to write down the names of all the people in your social circle, and how you came to know each one. I did this and had a somewhat disappointing/curious result. Most of the people I've known in my life, I met myself either through work or school. I'm not a connector though, I don't think, and it didn't seem like I fit into the other 2 categories either. My theory for this is that, because I move around so much I don't truly have a social circle anymore. The people I know best right now are scattered all over the world and the friends I have in this city are scattered as well- I've met them either at parties or from work. When I first got to Wellington I went to every party I was invited to and picked up other people for friendship the way people go about finding a date. That worked out alright and I'm cultivating small friendships everywhere so maybe in a year I'll have a connector to pin point. Actually, I think my friend, Lee is one, but we haven't known each other long enough for me to be really certain. In any case, it's an interesting project to try, watching your life's direction unfold through the help of a friend.

Your Net Work

In Malcolm Gladwell's book "The Tipping Point" he talks about the roles people play socially. One of these roles is as a connector-someone who introduces people to each other as well as to new situations, new music, new places. They are the information bringers, the social butterflies. They know everyone and your social circle is actually their social circle, you just happen to be in it.
He said one way of figuring out who the connector in your life is, is to write down the names of all the people in your social circle, and how you came to know each one. I did this and had a somewhat disappointing/curious result. Most of the people I've known in my life, I met through introducing myself, first contact being either through work, a party or school. But I'm not a connector, I don't think, and it didn't seem like I fit into the other 2 categories either. My theory for this is that, because I move around so much I don't truly have a social circle anymore. The people I know best right now are scattered all over the world and the friends I have in this city are scattered as well- I've met them either at parties or from work. When I first got to Wellington I went to every party I was invited to and picked up other people for friendship the way people go about finding a date. That worked out alright and I'm cultivating small friendships everywhere so maybe in a year I'll have a connector to pin point. Actually, I think my friend Lydia is one, but we haven't known each other long enough for me to be really certain. In any case, it's an interesting project to try, watching your life's direction unfold through the help of a friend.