Sunday, November 29, 2009

Few people became our role models because that was their intention. Most became role models because it was their intention to be themselves.-dad

Monday, November 23, 2009

Bitch is the new Black

"This is what bothers me the most, people say that Hillary is a bitch. Well let me say something about that. Yeah! She is. And so am I. And so is this one (points to Amy Poehler, who nods) Bitches get stuff done. That's why Catholic Schools use nuns instead of priests... At the end of the year you hated those bitches, but you knew the capital of Vermont."
-Tina Fey

Past Consideration

Love is more than one word. It’s been said before but still, societal norm is to place importance on romantic love and familial love alone. But there are many way of familial love and many ways of romantic love, like the difference between powdered snow and hard snow.

Romantic love, that feeling in your gut, that punch in your heart. Familial love, that warm feeling in your belly, that expansive uplifting love that can be shared with friendship love, those people who become your family, who shape you and you shape them. And on and on…

What it is that I desire is a bit of each, without too much struggle, please. A relationship needs work, it’s not work itself. A partnership is fun, it’s fulfilling, it contains the practical, it’s progressing and beautiful and you want to help and support each other. And if I can’t have that I’d rather be alone. But I think I can have that. I think I do now…I think I have before, but the timing wasn’t there.

Urgh. I don’t trust my own feelings anymore, I don’t feel sure of my next action. I’ve spent too much time thinking about the past, the future, what other people think and less time paying attention to how I feel now. And I want to shake that, and I think I will. I’m so close to clarity. With every new boy I kiss, every date I go one with a sexy/sweet/interesting man the more sure I am about progressing the other way. I think about how I should be working on my career, spending time with my loved friends, on my hobbies and in my bike community. About how I have someone in front of me that I resist missing when he’s not around, resist admitting that I might love, resist spending too much time with or getting too close or talking to friends about. Because it means something, I guess. But I could stop thinking so much about what my friends will say, about what I’ve said, about what he’s done in the past and see what is here, now and relax with the flow. Let myself be happy in this way again. But slowly. Very, very slowly.

Monday, November 02, 2009

100 cigarettes

I've dated enough narcissistically neurotic men to know that you are all just a pack of roving babies in search of a giant teat from which to suck the lifeblood out of me until I am a hollow shell.