Being yourself

I've been doing a lot of wandering around, feeling pensive and restless...soul searching I think it might be called.

After this last, difficult, break up I finally, truly understood things about myself that I'd easily ignored in the past.
A while ago someone(probably my dad) said that for a relationship to work you need to be able to make compromises.
I battled with myself for a long time, making compromises because they were good for "us", because a healthy relationship is key. Because being in a relationship means moving forward, being a part of something, having a teammate. You support each other, you have a date to a show or a real excuse for some dude who wants to get on you. You stay home and talk about your future kids names and complicitly* eat junk food together. It's really really nice.

But I don't want it. I just realized, I don't wanna do those things. I'm an adventurer with a penchant for laziness, for immediate happiness and I've been letting the latter take over when it comes to companionship. I want a relationship, I want commitment, I want love. But stronger than those feelings sits a desire for ultimate freedom, to make my own decisions, to take whims seriously.
And now that I'm not that irrationally shy teenager with a million quirks...I can. I worked hard to not be scared of the world, to take the desires that so burned in my heart and make them happen and I'm not ready to stop and commit to any one person, any one place or any one way of being.

Realizing this was great. I made a bet with my brother that I would stay out of a committed relationship for a year, when I one day have money I'll go to shows alone and if some bean bag comes over looking terribly uninteresting my excuse can be that I don't want to. Taking charge of ones life! It's going to be really awesome eventually. In the meantime there are some bumps... it's a learning process. I've come up with a few guidelines for myself while I get my bearings:

• Don't drink alone, especially at home. Bored and everyone you know has school or work in the morning? Read your damn book. watch a movie. Go to sleep. Do not
• get drunk and leave 50thousand FB comments at 2 AM. I know good ideas come at that time but write them down and find out how good they are in the morning.
• Keep your vocal desires for sex to yourself, or vent at ladies night. Really!
  
• Use this time to be more productive. Cut more hair, finish sewing clothes, do a fundraiser that actually happens.
  
• Bike more. Bike when your restless. Bike when you're bored. Bike always.

That's it for now. Wish me luck!




*I know its not a word, but it could be if we acted like it was.