The discussion

During a recent conversation with Daniel over the topic of children I told him that I was interested in adopting.

"Why would you want to adopt if you can have children of your own?" he asked.

"Because you have the opportunity to change someone's life completely!" I said, flabbergasted that he would say such a thing.

" Why shouldn't you? It's not just about satisfying a need to have children, it's also about giving children a good home. There are so many kids that will go to shitty foster homes or to adoptive parents that don't care or are abusive."

"Well, yes that's true. But don't you want your own children? Maybe I sound selfish but I've always really wanted someone that came from me." He crossed his arms and sat back.

"I know. Most people want that and I think it's understandable. I just think there are people that should consider both ways if they can. I mean, if you have the means and the desire to raise a child why not at least consider both options?"

"There are risks with the kids though." Dan reminded me "What if they inherited a drug addiction from their parents, or illnesses or have big emotional problems?"

"Well, right, you've got to be careful. I mean you should always consider if you can handle something like that. But thats not all children and they should talk to you about it before going through the process."

"Ok, so would you want to adopt before having your own kid or after?"

I considered this. "Well, if we're talking about a big family, like more than 2 kids, I'd do the adoption either first or last, but not the middle.Maybe last."

"I'd go for last as well. I don't know though, I wouldn't want to adopt if it's at the expense of our own child." He said definitively

"What are you talking about, at the expense? Would you care for our biological baby more than the adopted?" I couldn't believe it. " Like you don't want the adopted kid's need for attention to take away from our own?! Why would having four with two of each be any different than deciding to have four of blood!!? Having the second kid would be at the expense of the first no matter what!"

"No, I mean I don't want to go ahead and adopt a kid and then you just decide you don't want to birth at all. You can just take it away!" He stuck his finger in the air as if pointing to the morals of the situation.

I laughed. "Ohh! why would you think I'd do that?"

" Why would you think I'd be mean to my adopted kid?"

I laughed,"Fair enough. Ok, so you'd at least consider going halvsies?"

"Yeah, I'd do that."

We shook hands.

"Whatever made you so into adoption anyway?" He wondered.

"I have no idea." I shrugged" but you know when you were growing up, how you'd sometimes think about what your life would be like in the future, when you were older. Just sort of took a glance at what you thought it would be like?"

He nodded so I continued

"And how for you, it was a big family, kind of like the one you grew up in? When I took a look it was always with adoption in mind, a small to medium family in a cool city that wasn't Texas..." I paused, smiling "and a hot foreigner as my husband."

"Sweet!" He grinned, "But we're going to have to talk about that 'small family' thing..."

I was cooking my dinner last week when there was a knock on the door.
I looked through the peephole and saw someone that I thought was my brother. Upon opening the door, however, I saw that it was someone I did not know. Specifically, an attractive male.
He turned out to be a census guy who wanted to know if I knew anything about my neighbor. I'd only met her once so all I could tell him was that she lived alone.
He thanked me and got my name and phone number and left me to my cooking.

This week I was coming home from a long day at work when I saw census guy sitting on the stairs that led to my apartment.

"Hey, you don't happen to live in apartment 411 do you?"
"No, I met you before, remember? I never see the girl who lives there."
"Ohhh right, Madge."
"Yeah, thats right."
"Well, do you know how many people live there"
"Should just be one" I said looking at him. He looked at me. It was one of those moments where you both know you've had this conversation before but are repeating it simply because it's easier than acknowledging it's repetition.
He thanked me for my help and left, I went to my apartment.

Tonight while I was at work I heard the door open and went to help whatever customer had just come in.
He was attractive and familiar.
"Meg"
"Census guy"
"I'm actually not going to be doing the census anymore" he seemed upset.
He explained that they were cutting the part time workers back. He was sad to lose the extra money.
"But don't get me wrong, I do fine."
I gave him his cookies and he paid me.
"No tax? excellent."
He left the building and I went to the back to finish scooping ice cream for the next day.
"Goddamn, census guy is fine"

The Unicorn

Last October I was in Wellington, New Zealand staying at my boyfriend's sister, A.V.'s house. I was nearing the end of my time in New Zealand and was travelling around seeing the rest of the country before I had to leave. We were at her friends house, just hanging out, listening to music. I was taking advantage of the internet while it was available when I got an email from CJ, my best friend, telling me that something terrible had happened and that I should call her immediately.
I stayed calm, CJ often went to extremes when describing events that were really not. I checked my live journal friends list to see if this terrible thing had happened within the group and not just with CJ. I read "I can't believe she's gone.", I read "She was so beautiful." I read "Cheleigh called me before she jumped, I had no idea." I jumped up, told Dan's sister that I had to go to her house to use the phone and ran up the hill to find out what was happening.

I called CJ but there was no answer so I called another close friend, both to me and to Chesleigh, and when he answered I told him what I knew and he told me the rest.
"She jumped off a 30 story building, a hotel. She just checked in, went straight upstairs to the pool on the roof. Apparently she texted a few people to say goodbye and she'd sent some packages a few days before. No one saw her do it but the police said she must have been running full speed, she was far from the building when she landed."

He was very calm, he'd known for two days and had already resolved how he felt towards it.
"I think after all she'd tried, the therapy, the clinics, the medications... she just felt like it was never going to end. It's been like she was just waiting for the right time."

I hung up with him and called CJ again. She told me the details of the memorial and who she thought was coming. She sounded tired and worn. I told her I'd try to leave early to make it.
I called my parents, told them I'd be trying to come back early.
I called Qantas and moved my flight up a week.
I called the bus station and scheduled a bus ride to Auckland.
I called Dan's other sister, V.V. who lived in Auckland to tell her that I'd be coming a week early, and why.

After that all I could do was wait. I was in Wellington and I wanted to explore it and have fun with A.V. and her friends and I did, but it was often from a strange and ghost-like point of view. When I wasn't with A.V. I would walk around the city, getting lost trying to find internet facilities or Te Papa.
Travelling alone can sometimes mean not talking for hours, sometimes days on end. Often while I was travelling the only break in silence I'd have would be to make reservations for hostels or bus rides and the occasional chat with other travellers.
I'd think about Chez and envisage her running off the building.

It was sunset, the pool reflected the rainbow sky as the walked up the stairs calmly. She smiled at the people passing by, wet from swimming, they were on their way down from the rooftop pool. They smiled back and continued on. Once on the roof the savoured the sunset over Dallas, breathing deeply, feeling everything inside of her come alive. She wanted to say goodbye but knew that she could not speak to her friends so she texted a few instead. " I screamed your name into the sunset" she wrote to her best friend, her closest companion. Her friend smiled, feeling loved when she read it.
Then Chez walked to the far end of the pool, away from the ledge. She breathed deeply again and ran as fast as she could, jumping as far as she could, she thought of everything at once. Flying, falling fast to and end.

I thought about her but couldn't really imagine her dead. I hadn't spoken to her in years, I'd been travelling and our group of friends had split off to various colleges or paths in other cities. She'd been going through alot and had checked herself into a few clinics, for eating disorders, depression, anxiety, for the terrible thoughts in her head that she could not believe but could not expell. I found her friendship unattainable and so did not try very hard to know her. My closest friends were her closest friends and they were all in love with her but it did not seem to me that she was able to love them in return and I only wanted friends that could. She was thoughtful though and she felt deeply for the pain of others. If you were sad she'd send a letter or possibly a stuffed unicorn, her totem animal.
She was beautiful and mysterious and too succeptable to the whims of her depression. It seemed like she was constantly trying something new to make it go away but after a while did not believe that anything would make the intense sadness go away.

Her memorial was amazing and enriched with her personality. The turn out was huge, from people who'd known her her whole life to those who'd only met her a few weeks before.
There were readings from her journals and her poetry, her father spoke about her as a child and how much they loved her, her brother played a song he wrote for her on his guitar, a few friends came up and remembered funny stories and one played the first song that she'd learned on the piano, which Chez taught her. She wore a hat with bear ears while she played. It was whimsical and deep and perfect. Seeing how many lives Chez touched and how deeply really amazed me. Of course everyone speaks well of the dead, everyone remembering perfection and Chez was surely not perfect. She'd still be here if she was.
I was glad I come home early for it becuase it showed me that her death was real and helped me come to terms with her decision. It was her decision and it was planned, not a sudden jump but I didn't feel it until I looked at the order of service and read "In memory of Chesleigh Pafford". It was there on a piece of paper, written by someone for her memorial. It was real now.

Child Labor

Accepted

I'm moving to New Zealand!