senses of urgency

Kissing the lip of a beer mug
filled with coffee, honey and cream
sitting here on this nice couch
thinking about what it is to think
no despair here people are happy
productively talking on a rainy day
Rock n Roll plays behind
the baristas counter
Do I miss this environment
for the one I work in now?
The Dallas people, big hair big heels
big hard tits on living girls
soft nakedness in portraits behind them
It's fun in a different way, outsider-ish perspective
and co-workers tits are as real as their personalities
Two kids dressed well, with style
sit giggling in front of me
boyfriends and girlfriends now and
plans for new ones in the future
Someone asks hopefully
and what are your plans?
Well in this moment I know that coffee
is a diuretic and I got the large mug.

Being yourself

I've been doing a lot of wandering around, feeling pensive and restless...soul searching I think it might be called.

After this last, difficult, break up I finally, truly understood things about myself that I'd easily ignored in the past.
A while ago someone(probably my dad) said that for a relationship to work you need to be able to make compromises.
I battled with myself for a long time, making compromises because they were good for "us", because a healthy relationship is key. Because being in a relationship means moving forward, being a part of something, having a teammate. You support each other, you have a date to a show or a real excuse for some dude who wants to get on you. You stay home and talk about your future kids names and complicitly* eat junk food together. It's really really nice.

But I don't want it. I just realized, I don't wanna do those things. I'm an adventurer with a penchant for laziness, for immediate happiness and I've been letting the latter take over when it comes to companionship. I want a relationship, I want commitment, I want love. But stronger than those feelings sits a desire for ultimate freedom, to make my own decisions, to take whims seriously.
And now that I'm not that irrationally shy teenager with a million quirks...I can. I worked hard to not be scared of the world, to take the desires that so burned in my heart and make them happen and I'm not ready to stop and commit to any one person, any one place or any one way of being.

Realizing this was great. I made a bet with my brother that I would stay out of a committed relationship for a year, when I one day have money I'll go to shows alone and if some bean bag comes over looking terribly uninteresting my excuse can be that I don't want to. Taking charge of ones life! It's going to be really awesome eventually. In the meantime there are some bumps... it's a learning process. I've come up with a few guidelines for myself while I get my bearings:

• Don't drink alone, especially at home. Bored and everyone you know has school or work in the morning? Read your damn book. watch a movie. Go to sleep. Do not
• get drunk and leave 50thousand FB comments at 2 AM. I know good ideas come at that time but write them down and find out how good they are in the morning.
• Keep your vocal desires for sex to yourself, or vent at ladies night. Really!
  
• Use this time to be more productive. Cut more hair, finish sewing clothes, do a fundraiser that actually happens.
  
• Bike more. Bike when your restless. Bike when you're bored. Bike always.

That's it for now. Wish me luck!




*I know its not a word, but it could be if we acted like it was.