Life as of the last 7 months has been webbed back and forth and around from happy to sad to muddled. From positive to confused to definitely not sure. I go from solution to solution and then back to the real problem. Any solution I have ends up sounding vastly complicated.
When I try to peice it out, break it down, keep it simple.It ends up clumped and unlikely.
Should I admit defeat, admit that that isn't a winning solution? It's either break up and go home or stay together and miss school for the next several years?
There are so many variables in the whole dilemma.
Staying here means putting myself at risk insofar as, what if we break up? I don't want to find myself in the same place a year from now, without the relationship and all the promises it holds. Sent packing, back home. At the least, though, if it'd been a year or more, I'd have residency in NZ when I wanted it.
Going home means letting go of a desireable relationship with an actual future and all it's accessories, his family that I've come to love, him, and his big head, the friends I have here, as well as letting go of living abroad.But it also means being in Austin, with the great music and the great friends and the great family and that's great. But a future in the US really sounds shitty. Shootings, no public health care, a general feeling of distrust when it comes to the government...
Whatever decision I make, I have to know I won't regret it. For the last 7 months I haven't been able to picture an outcome I won't regret. And yet I can't stay the way I am, stagnant with a side of restless.
Dan's no help either, god love ya. He can't come up with anything so he always says "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it." When I remind him that the bridge is now he replies, sheepishly, "I'd hoped you hadn't noticed that." And then we both ignore it for a few more days.
Normally, when I get these feelings, the indecisive feelings, these mushed up shitty feelings, I look at the scource. Then I look at my options. Then I think about it a hell of a lot, then I make a desicion, then I cut and run. Then I feel better, no regrets. I've thought about it and I made a choice and now I don't have to wonder about it any more.
Comon brain, come up with something good.
2 comments:
Those excuses about the American government are convenient if you're trying to make a case against moving back to Austin, but otherwise useless.
In what country are you going to have a general feeling of trust toward the government? How much difference will it make in 2008 when Bush is no longer the president? (And how much relevance does Bush being president have in you daily life anyway?) In what country is the government going to intrude so far into your life that it actually matters whether you trust them or not?
When have you ever been afraid of being shot in the US? (Are the shootings indicative of anything in US culture at all, or just some fucking crazy guy with a gun?) If you were considering moving back to Iraq or Darfur, that might be a different story.
How often have you utilized the NZ health-care system? (Being in school in the US, by the way, provides an opportunity for health care.)
I don't know if moving back to Austin is the right decision or the wrong decision, but I do think that those arguments aren't helpful.
Why would you look at either situation as a defeat? Who or what is defeating you?
Think about this: "You don't regret the things you do; you only regret the things you don't do." What will you not be doing by staying in NZ or moving back to the US? What will you be missing out on in either situation? What are you sacrificing in either situation?
Good luck.
"Shootings, no public health care, a general feeling of distrust when it comes to the government..."
BAhahahaha.
Anyway, here's the thing: I would say, were I in NZ and were I willing to stay there for a girl: Are we on the way to marriage? Or am I on my way to Austin?
Of course, my ultimatums have been known to backfire on me, or maybe what I mean by 'backfire' is that they worked, painfully efficiently.
I would say here: "A relationship is like a shark--it's gotta keep moving forward or it suffocates," but as it turns out, it's not true that sharks have to keep moving forward. So basically relationships are the only things that have to keep moving forwards.
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