senses of urgency

Kissing the lip of a beer mug
filled with coffee, honey and cream
sitting here on this nice couch
thinking about what it is to think
no despair here people are happy
productively talking on a rainy day
Rock n Roll plays behind
the baristas counter
Do I miss this environment
for the one I work in now?
The Dallas people, big hair big heels
big hard tits on living girls
soft nakedness in portraits behind them
It's fun in a different way, outsider-ish perspective
and co-workers tits are as real as their personalities
Two kids dressed well, with style
sit giggling in front of me
boyfriends and girlfriends now and
plans for new ones in the future
Someone asks hopefully
and what are your plans?
Well in this moment I know that coffee
is a diuretic and I got the large mug.

Being yourself

I've been doing a lot of wandering around, feeling pensive and restless...soul searching I think it might be called.

After this last, difficult, break up I finally, truly understood things about myself that I'd easily ignored in the past.
A while ago someone(probably my dad) said that for a relationship to work you need to be able to make compromises.
I battled with myself for a long time, making compromises because they were good for "us", because a healthy relationship is key. Because being in a relationship means moving forward, being a part of something, having a teammate. You support each other, you have a date to a show or a real excuse for some dude who wants to get on you. You stay home and talk about your future kids names and complicitly* eat junk food together. It's really really nice.

But I don't want it. I just realized, I don't wanna do those things. I'm an adventurer with a penchant for laziness, for immediate happiness and I've been letting the latter take over when it comes to companionship. I want a relationship, I want commitment, I want love. But stronger than those feelings sits a desire for ultimate freedom, to make my own decisions, to take whims seriously.
And now that I'm not that irrationally shy teenager with a million quirks...I can. I worked hard to not be scared of the world, to take the desires that so burned in my heart and make them happen and I'm not ready to stop and commit to any one person, any one place or any one way of being.

Realizing this was great. I made a bet with my brother that I would stay out of a committed relationship for a year, when I one day have money I'll go to shows alone and if some bean bag comes over looking terribly uninteresting my excuse can be that I don't want to. Taking charge of ones life! It's going to be really awesome eventually. In the meantime there are some bumps... it's a learning process. I've come up with a few guidelines for myself while I get my bearings:

• Don't drink alone, especially at home. Bored and everyone you know has school or work in the morning? Read your damn book. watch a movie. Go to sleep. Do not
• get drunk and leave 50thousand FB comments at 2 AM. I know good ideas come at that time but write them down and find out how good they are in the morning.
• Keep your vocal desires for sex to yourself, or vent at ladies night. Really!
  
• Use this time to be more productive. Cut more hair, finish sewing clothes, do a fundraiser that actually happens.
  
• Bike more. Bike when your restless. Bike when you're bored. Bike always.

That's it for now. Wish me luck!




*I know its not a word, but it could be if we acted like it was.

time to get real

Theory:

Women with more confidence in their bodies are more likely to date a man who is shorter than 5'8.

Men with more confidence in their height will still date 18 year olds.

Bad Breath Kisses

Bad breath kisses

Are often dismissed

First thing in the morning

A sorry to do

When all that is meant

Is dear “I love you

Even when you’re puffy

And crusty from passing out

After a long night of pool

And beers”

In Public

When people talk
and you want to know
just who are they
to say those things
so loudly, what in them
is so bold?
six beers each, at noon I think.

Maya Angelou

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

enough

money within her control to move out

and rent a place of her own,

even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

something

perfect to wear if the employer,

or date of her dreams

wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD

HAVE .

a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

a past juicy

enough that she's looking forward to

retelling it in her

old age....

WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .

one friend who

always makes her laugh.. and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a good piece

of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her

family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

eight

matching plates, wine glasses with stems,

and a recipe for

a meal,

that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .

a feeling of

control over her destiny..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD

KNOW...

how to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to quit

a job,

break up with a lover,

and confront a friend

without;

ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN

SHOULD KNOW...

when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK

AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that she can't change the length of her calves,

the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that her

childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she

would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....

how to live

alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY

WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. .

whom she can trust,

whom she can't,

and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

where to

go...

be it to her best friend's kitchen table..

or a

charming Inn in the woods....

when her soul needs

soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..

What she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

Nothing can be sweeter on your thighs than the balmy night air, that's why riding a bicycle in your underwear is such a great idea.

changes

When you finally unlock one of life's mysteries after going your whole life trying to figure it out, you think when you wake up the next morning everything will be different. Surely everyone will see what is different in you, in the world as a whole.
You've figured it out! You have the answer!

What actually happens can only be a something of a let down. After such a high you realize they'll only know when they experience it themselves, if they do. And they don't know how much you know what you know. At least not for a while, till your rich or really obviously happier than everyone or something.

So just settle in, just write down what you've done and look at that every few weeks to remember. The human mind has a way of forgetting.

Mustachio Madness

Last Friday I went the the Monotonixs show and got clocked in the face and the singer fell on me several times and many people poured beer all over each others hair and faces and necks and we sweatsweatsweat and screamed, sang and laughed and the band and the crowd were in a frenzy from the first beat of the drum.

When you look at their myspace you'll first notice that the music is fun, it's upbeat anarchist smash rock that you can enjoy in the comfort of your own home. But why the hell would you listen to it at home when there's a concert just down the street.

Look at the pictures. Hairy, skinny mostly naked Israeli men with long full-bodied hair. One is hanging from the rafters with a microphone at his bare ass. The crowd below is screaming with smiling faces.

One is a drummer sitting on his drum kit and playing while crowd surfing. Later the drum kit is set on fire, while still being played. 

Look at the videos, Austin October 2008 at The Mohawk. I see my friend Devon in the front, punching the drums. I see the band carrying the whole thing out to the street and still sounding awesome as hell! At the last show I managed to catch sight of Devon climbing a tree with the singer and them holding each other, thrashing around wilding and singing. That was before the fist came and caught me in the nose, knocking off my glasses. It was after my room mate mistakenly slapped his friend in the frenzy after getting kicked in the back by someone else. All in joy, in crazy fun for the sake of being alive.

That's a Monotonixs show.

They'll be in Austin for SXSW, I can't recommend it enough.

Me: Walking down the street

Guy in Truck: Grinning, no sign of front teeth. "Damn girl why don't you hop in here with me?"

Me: Scowling. "Piss off."

Guy in Truck: Laughs, drives on.

What should have happened

Me: Walking down the street

Guy in Truck: Grinning, no sign of front teeth. "Damn girl why don't you hop in here with me?"

Me: Picks up rock, throws it. "How you like a rock in your window, ass?" 

Guy in Truck:  Visibly upset about the rock through his window

Indian Summer

Indian Summer - Dorothy Parker
==================
In youth, it was a way I had
To do my best to please,
And change, with every passing lad,
To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know,
And do the things I do;
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you!

Tuberculosis

What oh, what have I been up to lately? Aside from barely working, changing bike tubes and reading internet comics I have also been taking a drawing class once a week.
During my last class the project was self portraiture. The lighting wasn't great and I looked and felt tired. But a project is and so I did it.

The result is a fairly exact replica. I had noticed that I'd drawn myself kind of intensely but it's hard to draw a facial expression from a mirror so when I showed my friend and she began laughing I was confused. Apparently it's the look I give when I want a person or peoples to leave now. It was the look I had at 4AM after our 300+ Michael Jackson party and the only people left were strangers...it was the look I had when I'd been spending an entire weekend with a friend and had run out of things to do that took two people and it's the look you'll get if you interrupt me while I'm reading The Watchmen.


----------------------

"and I listened to that song so many times before I realized...he's not singing about a girl, he's singing about Tuberculosis"

My good friend Lydia sent me a link to this gallery of art pieces made with unusual materials as featured by Telegraph.co.uk

Pretty cool stuff

you get noogied

If you're out and about with someone and they call something which is considered bad "gay" is it appropriate to tell them you'll "noogie them till their brains bleed" if they say it again? Is that an overreaction? I feel like it isn't. Not totally...

The Inauguration of President Barack Obama

These are 48 photos of Inauguration Day as seen around the world. Pretty amazing stuff.

Låt den rätte komma in

After watching "Let the Right One In" on Friday I found myself feeling rather tense this early morning as I cycled in the dark to work. I couldn't stop worrying there might be something hungry in the trees, readying to drop on me.

Nod to Lan for this interesting story:

EASTON, Pa. – A supermarket is defending itself for refusing to a write out 3-year-old Adolf Hitler Campbell's name on his birthday cake. Deborah Campbell, 25, of nearby Hunterdon County, N.J., said she phoned in her order last week to the Greenwich ShopRite. When she told the bakery department she wanted her son's name spelled out, she was told to talk to a supervisor, who denied the request.

Karen Meleta, a ShopRite spokeswoman, said the store denied similar requests from the Campbells the last two years, including a request for a swastika.

"We reserve the right not to print anything on the cake that we deem to be inappropriate," Meleta said. "We considered this inappropriate."

The Campbells ultimately got their cake decorated at a Wal-Mart in Pennsylvania, Deborah Campbell said Tuesday.

A Wal-Mart spokesman told The Associated Press on Wednesday that in light of the incident, the company would review its guidelines regarding cake decorations and other requests.

"It's clear that in serving this customer, some people were offended," spokesman Greg Rossiter said. "As a result, we're going to review our policies."

Heath Campbell said he named his son after Adolf Hitler because he liked the name and because "no one else in the world would have that name."

The Campbells' two other children are named JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, who turns 2 in a few months, and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell, who will be 1 in April.

Campbell said he was raised not to avoid people of other races but not to mix with them socially or romantically. But he said he would try to raise his children differently.

"Say he grows up and hangs out with black people. That's fine, I don't really care," he said. "That's his choice."

He said about 12 people attended the birthday party Sunday, including several children of mixed race.

The Kavorka

I was standing in a hot shower today, drinking a whiskey on ice, letting my mind wander. Inevitably I ended up thinking about sex. Hmmmmseeexxxx. I know that most people enjoy it, hell I've known that for years! What I'd only recently considered was in what way people enjoy it. Why do you enjoy it? What part is the draw? Is it the power you can have over another person? The intimacy? Can you only enjoy it with someone you love or, alternatively, with someone you hate, or don't even know?

I thought about why I like it. I've had a diverse sex life in some ways. I like to try new things but am not yet into anything particularly kinky, I'm attracted to a wide variety of people and their many qualities, shapes,sexes, colors and sizes. I can enjoy sex with someone I love nearly as much as someone I don't know so well, albiet very differently. I really appreciate all the different aspects and options that can be had.  Quiet and loving, rough and crazy, in the dark or in a spotlight(hurrhurr). It's all with it's benefits.

But mostly I just love the texture of sex. I love skin and all the ways it can feel against my face or under my hands, how cold and clean in the winter. I like how it tastes on my tongue on a balmy night when all the windows are thrown open to tempt a breeze in.

The scent of said skin is also big. There's something about individual body scent and I don't mean perfumes or cologne. That rich, warm feeling you get in a quiet moment, when you bury your head in their neck, between nape and ear and you smell the life inside them, you can feel their heart against your chest and it's addicting.

I've always been pretty attracted to thick dark hair as well, I enjoyed Carlito's Way more because Al Pacino had such an amazing head of hair. You could lose your hand in it, it was so thick. I like having something to pull, something to tangle in my fist or smooth out with soft fingers.

I like the urgency, the connection, the deep soft kissing and the texture. I love the texture of it all. 

On a bicycle at night

The strange beauty of life comes to me as I ride my bike, half drunk with the stars over and around me and the moon and the earth and I feel that intense love of being. It swells my heart and I pedal harder, faster to relieve the almost painful feeling. To feel it is one thing, what to do with it is something else.

Harder and faster, my breath deepens as I attempt a tall hill. I smile at this friend I love to hate, I welcome its challenge. When I'm done I coast for a while, feeling the crisp air cool my sweaty skin, calm my panting, ruffle my hair. The bike begins to slow and I don't try for the pedals, just let it be until at last we are at a crawl, the bike and I, and together we fall sideways onto a lawn in a tangle and I just lie there, feeling the prickling grass on my back and neck below me, feeling the glow of the moon on my closed eyelids.

"Are you alright?"

There is a youngish woman standing over me, she also has a bicycle.

"I saw you fall off your bike...do you need help?"

I smile and shake my head. She considers this, then looks up at the sky. Then back to me. Another moment and without a word she's set her bike down, she's laying next to me and we stay that way on the grass, just being.

This strange beauty of life.

Snow in Texas

 Yesterday morning it was about 80 degrees and humid as all hell. I biked to work and arrived sweaty, pulling my jacket off down to the tanktop underneath. The rest of the day stayed that way, until around 4 when a gale came in with the cold and put our jackets back on our shoulders.

By 6 I was wondering if I would be able to ride my bike to meet a friend like I said I would, but they were coming from even further away and hadn't said anything about picking me up or cancelling, so out I went. 
It wasn't so bad, until I left the bike lane on Guadalupe and the wind came head first over me, nearly stopping my bike completely and making me swerve into traffic. 
I got off and walked some of the way, until I was out of the main tangle of traffic and then jumped back on and rode to Spider House.

3 hours later

It'd been raining and we'd waited it out for a while, but couldn't stay forever. I considered taking up residence at Spider House but for some reason my friend didn't think it made sense. We wiped down our seats and took off, ears freezing, backs soon pelted with hard rain, turning into sleet. We parted ways at 14th street, my friend insisting they would be ok to make it the rest of the 15-20 minutes home in this weather. As I said goodbye and turned down 14th street the wind became stronger and the sleet became hail, stinging, stinging, face tenderizing hail. I yelled and went faster. In times like these you have to put your head down and remember your one goal: get home.

6 minutes later I was there. 7 minutes later I was changed. 10 minutes later my friend called to say they'd made it in record time and were going to take a hot shower.
12 minutes later, cup of tea in hand, I hear my roommates exclaiming about the snow. I look out side and sure enough it's actual snow, big flakes in fact. The melt upon impact, the ground is not nearly cold enough to keep them, but look, it really is snowing in Austin!