We'd been stuck in the glass shelter for days now. There were almost 20 of us, but our anonymity was so intact we might have been a real crowd. Eventually the endless night cleared and we were allowed to make our way out. The ocean hadn't lost its swell though. We each swam up the tunnel but instead of reaching the surface we had to hold breath, squeeze tight our eyes, be propelled upward by a big shot of air. I was nearly the last through so that when I opened my eyes to the frankness of the stormwashed air, I had only a moment to consider what I'd been through or where we were going. I swam to keep up. The sky was greeny blue, sun shining golden down on mountains sitting atop big islands that hung back in the distance. I looked down through the water at the sea life. That was when I noticed a huge cloud of inky pinky jellyfish drifting toward us. Others had noticed as well and someone was yelling. I couldn't hear them, I was too busy trying not to panic.
It seemed nearly impossible that in this peaceful setting, in the calm at the end of the storm, that we should be attacked by anything, much less these fragile floating membranes. I fought my fear and it fought back, rising ever faster as the jellyfish brushed around my legs. They didn't seem to be moving, just hanging around. They felt warm against my skin and when they suctioned all around my body they felt like soft hands just out of a thick glove. I felt confusion, my emotions battled for a place at the front of my heart.
"Don't struggle!" someone yelled from the front "if you struggle they'll swarm you."
I let my body relax, starfished on the surface, sun on my face. I gave in to the warm hands carrying me home.

Author

An excerpt from "The wall of the sky The wall of the eye" by Jonathan Lethem, brought to you by www.Nerve.com

Q. If "going to school is my job" how come i'm not getting paid?
A.Supposedly you're getting paid in smarties.

Wednesday with Lenka

"That scarf makes you look like a Brethren" she said, her thick Czech accent making her sound like a female Arnold Schwarzenegger. "Or a smurf."
"A smurf?" I thought. "That doesn't even make sense..."
I didn't care, but I also wanted her to know I didn't care.
"I don't care" I said, hands on hips.
"Hey, I'm just being honest." She said and reaching up to adjust my head scarf
"Pull it up, like this"
"I'll look like I'm from "Little House on the Prarie" I pouted
"Little who?"

Monday with Lenka

"God, your image changed." she said with a little laugh
"Huh? What do you mean?"I asked
"You're such a baker now, what happened to sexy Madge?"
Now I gave a little laugh "she died the first time I had to wake up at 3AM."

Hey Cow!

As recently as last weekend I went on a road trip to a wild foods festival located on the West coast of the South Island. I went with a good group of friends, one of whom, Heidi, taught the rest of us how to play "Hey Cow". The way to play is, you spot an oncoming herd of cows in a field, roll down your window and yell "HEYYYY COOOOWWW" as loud as you possibly can. Then you count the number of cow's that turned to look at you. Whoever gets the most cows wins.
Heidi demonstrated the game for us, her hollar rewarded with 6 out of 12 bored looking cow faces.
What a great game! It was my turn next. I was nervous. What if they didn't look? I cleared my throat in preparation and I rolled down the window. "HEy cow?" I asked, apprehensive.
2 cows looked up. "Good effort" Heidi said sympathetically. "No, no, no, that was crap! You didn't even try!" cried Roger. The others agreed, it was a poor effort. Oh well.
"Let's do it all at once and see if we can get all of them to look" Heidi Suggested. We rolled down the windows and everyone, even the driver, leaned over to get a closer range in which to yell.
An unsuspecting herd came up just after the hill. "HEY COW!" We screamed in unison.
one
two, three, four cow heads turned. Six, Seven, Eight Ni...Oh!...uh.
A rather rotund woman stood amongst the cows in the field. Her glare was not pretty.
"Er..." Roger said. The rest of the car was silently suprised and embarassed.

The woman standing in the field watched the car drive on down the highway till it was out of sight. "Lunatic kids" .

Things Dallas

Things that are Dallas:

1)Dallas,Texas
2)Dallas Tamaira, lead singer of Fat Freddy's
3)Dallas Castle in Scotland
4)Dallas, T.V. series
5)Dallas,George Mifflin-11th U.S. Vice President under James K. Polk

The initial problem with getting Internet at home was that no one else had laptops besides Dan. Once they moved out we made sure to ask incomers what they thought of getting Internet. Then came the laziness. No one was very motivated to get net while we could steal it from surrounding wireless users. Once we were cut off from there we had no choice but to get our own. Slowly we decided on what type of Internet, and from who, then we called ihug to set it up, and sat back, a week before Christmas, in anticipation of the downloading free-for-all that was to come. It would only take a week. Two weeks later excuses were made about the holidays. Three weeks later pending processing was mentioned, we'd have it by the end of next week. At the end of the fourth week we called up and were told we weren't actually allowed to have ihug yet, because we had a phone plan with someone else, but maybe we could work something out. The reasoning became jumbled, we started to spread the blame from just the company to each other. At the end of this week, they promised, voices bland, uncaring. Sorry for the delay.
5 weeks after we were meant to be online we called up. "You're wired with another company, we can't hook you up at all" they said, ineptly."We should never have said we could."
A month and a half later we're still sitting with laptops disconnected from the world.

6 things seen on the way to work:

1. A guy passed out on the side walk.
2. My drunk flatmate and the girl he brought home that night.
3. My drunk coworker, on the way to a strip club.
4. A drag queen prostitute and a very dirty looking man, huddled in an alley, giggling.
5. My drunk friend and some strangers he just met making giant bubbles in the middle of the street.
6. A cat, asleep in the road. I know it was asleep because I shooed it out of the road when I saw a car coming.

Merry New Zealand Christmas!

Bodega

He walked into the Bodega, a music venue and bar, on a Thursday night. A man sat on stage with his guitar playing music without meaning, he was just a part of the background. Jake sat down next to his friend, Dave, and ordered a beer. It arrived and he sipped lightly on it while and Dave chatted and joked. a woman on Daves other side interrupted to ask Dave a question and they began a conversation. Jake began to zone out, thinking about nothing, listening to the nothing music and to the hum of the conversation between the woman and Dave. He took a look at her. She was about 45, big frizzy hair, a tired face with too much make up, large plastic glasses and a large saggy body. Looking at her, Jake felt that she took up the whole room, sucked in the surrounding space for herself. She ignored his sizing up and he looked away, back to his warm beer. He took a drink and felt bored. He checked his watch, almost 12:30, he should be getting on.He got up to go the the bathroom, before saying goodbye and spent some time peeing, washing his hands, txting a friend.When he got back Dave was gone.

The woman sat alone in the now empty bar. He walked over to her to ask if she knew what happend with Dave but he stopped short when she turned suddenly and looked at him through her big glasses, her eyes sharp and intense. Jake felt an electric pulse go from her eyes through his body, straight down to his penis. "Let's got back to my place" she commanded. It wasn't a question. Jake nodded quickly, he had to have her.

Jake sweat in the still night air as he waited for the click of the door lock. She turned to him, "Let's fuck" she groaned enchantingly, pushing open the door. He followed her into the darkness.

He awoke at 4AM in her bed. Her breath was loud in her mouth as she slept next to him. His eyes widened as he realized where he was and what he'd done. He jumped up and forced his clothes on, running out of the room and into the night like a spooked cat. He ran all the way to his house and straight to the shower. His mind was exploding at his bodies vile actions. Why had he done that? Oh God, why?!

When he came out an our later, skin red and raw, he saw his brother waiting for him in the hall. Jake shuddered involuntarily. "Where have you been?" his brother grinned "Long night on the piss?". Jake shook his head "I had one beer. I just...I..." he struggled to explain but eventually it was peiced together. His brother eyes looked strange, not shocked but instead as if they recognized what Jake was feeling. "That's Melinda...I've been fucking her for 6 months, bro. I can't help it, every time I see her it's like I'm compelled. I think she's a witch, I really do." Jakes brother said softly, looking down.
They stood still, neither had any idea what to say. Both perplexed, Jake in his towel, his brother in pajamas. It was 6 AM.

Outside the birds sang as the flew in the morning air, the sun came up over the hills and in her bed Melinda chuckled deeply in her sleep.

The best way to believe in something completely is to know as little about it as possible.

'fundamentalism is the last step before enlightenment... because once you put your faith completely in something, and it inevitably falls, you will fall so hard that it will illuminate balance'

Seen on the street

I saw this sign in front of a cafe called The Lunch Box:

Cum and try our hot box! Yum yum!

The girl behind the counter rang up her customer, looked around the cafe and spotted a couple sitting by the window, menus flat on the table they looked expectantly at her. She smiled and walked over.
"Are you ready to order?" the girl asked
"Yes, I'll have an orange juice thanks" said the man in the couple
"Orange juice" repeated the girl "no problem, and for you" she turned to the woman.
"I'll have English Breakfast" the woman reponded
The girl frowned "I'm sorry, we've actually run out of that tea earlier this morning, can I get you anything else, we have a pretty good selection of other teas."
The woman looked at the girl as if there were a hole in her shirt which bared her chest in a most vulgar manner."Well. Do you have any other regular teas?"
"We have earl grey..."offered the girl. The woman scrunched her nose."...or mint, green, mango, berry, kawa kawa, chamomi..." the woman looked blankly at the girl, who faltered in her recitation and decided to stop talking.
"I said regular teas." insisted the woman.
"Gumboot tea" thought the girl. "I'm sorry, we usually do have it but unfortunately we won't have any till tommorow."
"I'll think about it." Grumped the woman.
The girl turned away with relief and went to get the orange juice.

5 minutes later the woman and man had not yet decided what they wanted to eat and went to look at the deli food sitting on the counter behind which the girl stood, dishing a salad into a bowl for another customer. When she was done the girl turned to them and asked if she could get them anything.
"Any progress on the tea?" the woman asked expectantly.
"Uh. Well we really don't have any right now" said the girl but in her head thought "This woman is obsessed, she must shut up about the tea very soon."
"Well, you don't have any in the back or anything? Perhaps you could run across the street to the dairy and get some for me. It would be nice." The woman raised her eyebrows in a way that said "This is something you should have thought of."
"Who was this woman, was she really saying this?"mused the girl.
"Look, do you ever watch Star Trek? Think of me as a hologram, ok?The problem really is that I can only work within these walls, so within this space I will get you anything you need if we have it and I will smile and mean it while doing that, but I cannot leave the station no matter how urgent your tea situation is. I'll even give you the hot water if you want to bring your own tea bag in but to run tot he dairy and get some shitty tea to give to people would comprimise our quality standards." Thought the girl, but didn't say.

Ignoring the womans suggestion but pretending as if she were addressing it the girl stopped a coworker and said "Hey, we don't have any more english breakfast, do we? Not anywhere in the back or anything?"
"Yeah, no English Breakfast till tommorow I'm afraid." Confirmed her coworker. The girl smiled so that all of her teeth showed "Sorrrreee!" she sang" Let me know if you want anything else!" then she pranced away, laughing to herself. Some people!

HS was like a boring night at work

It was a slow night at work last week, I was behind the bar/kitchen folding serviettes and talking to one of the chefs.
"My God" Complained Mic "I hate it when it's slow like this, there's no point in being here."

"At least your getting paid, and you aren't really having to work for it" I reminded him.

"Yeah but I have other stuff I could be doing, sitting here is a waste of my time."

"Funny, that's how I used to feel about highschool." I told him

The somewhere behind me I heard another waiter snort loudly.

The Poo Blog

I was in the kitchen reading a magazine and drinking a coffee when Dan walked in. “Hey Mads, did you just go to the bathroom?”

I looked up “Yeah, like 10 minutes ago.”

“I knew it was you” he said chuckling.

“What? Why?” I asked, feeling like my bathroom secrets might be about to revealed.

“You have the floaty-est poo I’ve ever seen. I guess it didn’t flush when you went so it was still there when I went. Then I took a crap, put toilet paper on it and flushed and it still didn’t go down. Floaty poo.”

Feeling perplexed I asked him what I could do about it. I’d never had this problem before and hadn’t realized it could even be a problem.

“You’re holding it in too much Mads, you gotta let it loose more often.” He kissed me on the cheek and sat down.

“Let what loose?” I said, laying my head on his shoulder.

“Your farts. You hold them in too much and it riddles your poo with air.” He explained confidently, patting me on the bum

“How do you know this?” I laughed, knocking his hand away.

“It’s just common sense.” He took a sip of coffee into his mouth and winked at me.

myspace is good for the ego

Every now and then someone finds me on myspace and sends me a message only good for stroking my ego. I recieved one such message today, in fact:

Awww you moved to New Zealand....that saddens me. i had like a huge crush on you in high school. hope all is well.-M.P.

Pretty nice, right? Just a short message to let me know he cared, even if we hadn't talked since sophmore year when he told everyone that I was in love with him. Which wasn't true, I just had a crush on him but was afraid because he was a "bad boy". Later he found Jesus and now appears to be in the marines.

However nice that is, the best one I got was this:

maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadgieee!!! (ive forgotten the exact spelling of ur name (so ill just spell it like my sisters name) ) what ever happened to u after highschool? i wanted to go out with u soooooo bad. in fact i remeber one time u asked me if i liked u and i got really nervous and scared (i had no idea why u were asking(i know, idiot) so i said no, or something. i wanted u so bad... i mean wanted to go out with u :) (im drunk) ........ i miss u, u gotta come into houston sometime im in town

Oh, those happy golden years...

Simpsons Reference

Yesterday I overheard this conversation in the dishroom at my new job:

"Hey mate, watcha lookin' for?"

"I'm just lookin' for a little knifie to cut this orange with."

"How about this?"(Holds up a spoon)

"Mate, that's not a knifie, that's a spoonie."

"Ohhh, I see you've played knifie spoonie before!"

(Both fall into a laughing hysteria)

A kid in sport stays out of court?